Monday, January 27, 2014

The Best Movie Never Made: Great White Zombie Alien Sharktopus-nado ... with Chainsaws

Last night I was noodling about on Amazon, that great home of bad film. Like Sharktopus. And the beloved classic, Sharknado. Now I know these are horrible movies. Sharknado, for the five people who haven't seen it, is about a storm that lifts sharks into the sky and dumps them all over LA, where they start eating any human they can get hold of. Most (who am I kidding? I mean all) of the people on screen are Too Stupid to Live, as is shown by their horrible acting and willingness to stay in LA during a massive attack of sky-sharks. The last big scene involves a guy - get this - jumping into a shark's mouth with a chainsaw.  Just so you can see it yourself:

Sharktopus is another twisted classic in which a mad scientist mixes shark DNA and octopus DNA to create a living super-weapon for the US government. Actually, that's not true. He does it so that viewers at home can invent drinking games involving massive amounts of tequila and taking a shot anytime one of the actors pretends to take the idea of a sharktopus seriously, before passing out from alcohol poisoning.

I happen to love serious film. I can say this as one of the few people to willingly sit through both parts of Ivan the Terrible several times, without ever being enrolled anywhere as a film student or trying to get a date with one. I actually own two different prints of M and can talk reasonably intelligently about early film in France. But you know what? I really love bad films from the SyFy Channel, and if I had to live on a desert island for a month with only one movie, it would be a tossup between Sharknado and Sharktopus.

However, I think the tacky monster movie genre could use some juicing up. It needs some aliens or vampires or zombies. Why? Because that would be even more ridiculous. If a movie had all of those, with some more chainsaws thrown in, I would probably watch it once a week.

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